The Trial and Execution of Peewit

The State (of - relative - sanity) vs Peewit

Picture the scene. The UA virtual courtroom has assembled (probably through Talk). Judge Laughter (aka The Executionist) is presiding. His summary execution without trial of several UAers places him in the ideal position to hear the latest case: UA vs Peewit.

Court bailiff Silkman, poised as ever to quell naughtiness on Compsoc machines, reads that charges: "Peenis - sorry, Peewit - is charged with making the most stupid, outrageous, daft and pointless postings on UA. This alone invites censorship. However, when he reapeatedly makes the same postings over and over again, there can be only one punishment."

Peewit, sitting in the defendant's chair, says something completely irrelevant. The court recorder immediately transfers it to /dev/null.

"Peewit, how do you plead?", asks Judge Laughter

"Why am I in this courtroom?" asks Peewit. "What have I done now? And by the way, is this courtroom on the Locations list yet?"

"Your honour," says prosecutor Macca (concealing the word 'bullshit' in a cough), "it is plain that this defendant is too stupid to realise his errors. The facts speak for themselves. Peewit is gilty."

"Nice typo :-)", says Peewit.

"Oh, FFS" mutters the crowd.

"I agree." agrees Judge Laughter, "Peewit, you are found guilty of the aforementioned crimes. Do you have anything to say?"

"I'm new to UA. Doesn't that count?", says Peewit

"But you probably don't think that it does, do you?" says Peewit, replying to himself.

"In the light of the seriousness of your crimes, there can be only one suitable punishment..."

"Death, death, death!" chants the crowd neatly interupting Judge Laughter.

"Death," continues Judge Laughter, donning a black hood - and prompting audible sighs of relief as his face is no longer visible.

"Bring in the acid vat!" calls out Judge Laughter, and a large vat of boiling acid is brought into the courtroom, heated by many flames. Dramatic music, plucked by Edam from his CS Mods page, accompanies the vat.

The crowd lean forward in anticipation of Peewit's horrible death. Court reporter Vorlon trains the camera on the vat and starts digitising the images with the Beeb.

Peewit is hooked up to a harness, and is slowly lowered towards the acid. However, at the last possible moment the harness mechanism stops.

The crowd sighs in dismay as Judge Laughter announces, "It must be a bug in the harness code. I haven't got time to fix it now, so I'll use a script."

With that, he types for a minute or so, and then runs the script. Peewit disappears with a scream. Unfortunately, so do several other users. "Just log on and recreate yourselves!" calls Judge Laughter as they disappear.

Court is ajourned.